Awkward Date Boy

I thought I'd wrap up 2010 with a true story of what was perhaps the most awkward date ever. I figured you could all use a good laugh :)

It started when a classmate of mine (not quite a friend since he's closer to my dad's age than mine, and has teenaged children) asked if he could set me up with a guy in his tennis class. Supposedly this guy had seen me around the Tanner Building and thought I was cute. I hadn't been on a date in awhile so I figured, why not? I told my classmate to give the guy my number. He called a few days later, leaving a voicemail that basically said, "I'm Randy's friend and I have a crush on you, wanna go out?" I couldn't decide if it was creepy or funny, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and go with funny. That should've been my first clue.

When he picked me up for our date, the first thing I noticed was the pipe cleaners and pom-pom balls on the front seat of the car. "What are these?" I asked. "We're going to make antlers!" he announced, dead serious. "But I forgot the super glue to put on our Rudolf noses." Well. What do you say to that? Aside from, "I'm good without the super glue, thanks." I made an antler headband and put it on, glad that we were just going to look at Christmas lights so I wouldn't have to leave the car.

He wanted to look at the lights in Spanish Fork, but had no idea where he was going. He missed the turn into the Festival of Lights and suddenly, we were driving up Highway 6 in Spanish Fork Canyon. I kept pointing out places to turn around, but he wasn't turning. Then he started cracking the jokes: "Isn't this the part of the movie where the serial killer comes out?" "'I wonder if there's werewolves in this canyon" "Maybe I'm taking you to a cave so I can have my way with you." He seemed to be kidding, but since I'd known him for all of 28 minutes at this point, I had no way of knowing. As we approached the turnoff for Manti (yes, we'd gone that far) I insisted we turn around. He took the turn way too fast and we skidded on black ice, narrowly missing the cliff. At this point, I just wanted to go home, but I kept my mouth shut and thanked my lucky stars when we made it to the Festival of Lights.

I thought we were done, but he was just getting started. He wanted to look at more Christmas lights, in Salem. Of course he still didn't have directions and spent about 20 minutes driving aimlessly eastward before I pulled out my phone to use the GPS. He told me I was being a poor sport. I told him I didn't want to drive through anymore canyons. We found the lights in Salem (not worth the trip, btw) and he thought it would be fun to take a walk around the pond (there was a pond with Christmas light displays in the middle of the neighborhood). Well, it was around 6 degrees and I didn't have a coat so I said I'd rather not, but he wasn't listening - he opened my door and took my arm and pulled me along with him. I didn't say anything but he got the hint from my chattering teeth (6 degrees, remember?) and decided it was time to go. Since it was around 10 pm I was hoping we were done, and was so happy when we got back in I-15 north.

But did we get off in Provo? Of course not! He went up to Orem because he wanted to show me where he grew up. We took a tour of the homes he'd lived in as a child, plus his elementary, jr. high and high schools. Then we went to the Word Perfect founder's house. Around this point, he showed me a box of Sees candy he'd brought and, since I was basically starving, I practically inhaled one. Then he told me that for each candy I ate, I'd need to tell him about a person who'd profoundly influenced my life. I almost choked. Is this guy for real? Sadly yes. He wondered why I didn't eat anymore candy. I can't imagine...

I finally got home just before midnight, promptly threw away the antlers and laughed as I collapsed in bed. What a typical Utah date! I went to sleep hoping I'd never hear from him again. When he called the next morning at 7am, I ignored the call, and the many text messages in the coming days. But my favorite part was when I was teaching a review session for the undergrad class I TA for. As I wrapped up the review and my fellow TA and I started answering student questions, who should appear but Awkward Date Boy! Turns out he was my student. So, that's awesome. He was trying to put on the moves in front of all of his classmates. The other TA was cracking up - no help at all - while I tried to tell Awkward Date Boy that no, I am not interested in dating my students and no, I am not interested in dating him.

So. That was fun.

Here's to a new year filled with (hopefully) at least one decent date!